DATE: 07/07/2008 10:00:59 / MOOD: Other

I have severe depression

I have Iron deficiency--for life

I have severe migraines--for more than 4 years

I have no relationship with either of my parents--or any of my relatives for that matter

I have no friends

I’ll never get married

I’ll never be happy

I’ll never fall in love or even in-like

I’ll never succeed in life regardless of how much I try

I’ll always be on medication

I fear that I’ll end in a mental institute

I fear that I’ll lose what’s left of my memory

I fear that I won’t know who I’m

I fear that I’ll be abandoned

But mostly I fear that I wont live for long

I’m not living…I’m just surviving. I don’t want to die, because I’m not ready to face ALLAH and I don’t have the confidence to stand before ALLAH as he decides my destiny, however this pain is powerfully overwhelming and thus as result I‘m psychologically and emotionally dead.

I can't believe this is it. I can't believe I have to live with this demon--depression this very much looks like a battle that I'll not win...Bursts into tears.

ALLAHU AKBAR!  

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DATE: 04/26/2008 18:39:22 / MOOD: Lonely

When should one start worrying about growing old n grey alone? Sighs. The wedding season is back on once again,and to be quite frank it bothers me to some degree. The sole reason i fall into that nasty depression hole may have something to do with this issue. (just trying to get things of my chest) It's a bit like when you're starving hardout and all you can smell, think and see is fish&chips or KFC..lame analogy i know but its quite true. I'm afraid i'll lose hope soon and turn into a lesbo or something nasty. Godforbid!   I have a phucking bad headache right now that i dunno what i'm talking about it. Grrrr.

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DATE: 04/21/2008 21:20:07 / MOOD: General

I'm not much of an ice cream person but once in awhile i like to pig out on it. Well last night happened to be one of those ice cream craving nights, there was none at home so i'd to literally drive to the supermarket at 9.50 PM for no other reason except to get gooey caramel 950ml! Dumb aye.

Life and living is a strange thing. Well i personally find it strange. Tobecontinue............need to get going

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DATE: 02/09/2008 03:54:11 / MOOD: General

I have the biggest headache right now....aaarrrrrrgh! Too many things taking place at the same time bloody insane. I go back to school like in 3 weeks n i'm so not looking forward to it. Here is what happened since i was last here...

T tells me she is a lesbo! i was soooo not prepared for that one! U should have seen my expression when she told me this, "priceless" lol i didnt click at first because she was like 'my partner this n my partner that blah blah'. She also told me that her friend 'likes me' he thinks i'm 'beautiful n attractive'  she told me this while i was at work n i was like this to her 'lol what am i suppose to say to this' she laughed n said she doesnt know. That was another shocker b/c i have only seen her mate once while he was picking her up from work.

Me n Dan were working together the other night, and so were the boys, plus G, anyway, out of no where she goes i dont like your friend over there, meaning W...n i looked at her n asked why...'ooh b/c um he is like know-it-all he is up himself n all..but obviously he is nice to u'. This made me smile. Hehe.  But hmmm..i dunno why but i can't seem to figure Dan out...she is just a puzzle.

Adam, asked me out, the other day, I wasnt surprised b/c i was kinda expecting it since me n Rod broke up.

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DATE: 02/03/2008 06:38:11 / MOOD: General

I hate myself at this moment more than anything. I don’t understand the point of my existence. And quite frankly i don’t think I’d want to. Like i said i don’ t know why I’m here...to be tortured perhaps but why? Living is not for me. I had given up a long ago. But obviously it hasn’t given up on me. Arrrg! I have long and stressful day tomorrow should be in bed by now...not that i'll sleep or anything. I can't remember the last time i had a good sleep...without those bloody abnormal dreams. Yikes!  

PS: Btw...still can't find my drugs! And i haven't gotten around to see my doc yet. I'm going nuts without them...i can't even keep up with a simple conversation! And i have the memory of like a fu-cking goldfish. Screw me. I also have trouble hearing ppl the first time around...it was funni the other night at work, it was 8.30 and W asked me if me n T had our breaks n i was sitting there thinking which break...the first or the second?...b/c we only had one which was like two hours ago...and so while i was thinking he repeats the question.."Ellaaaaa, have u had ur break YET?" but louder this time..i told him off..."damn i'm not deaf or something i heard u the first time W, and yes we did have our first break"

I try avoiding W, he is a complete chatterbox. I'm gonna try to make more effort to be more sociable at work..not that it will last more than an hour. I'm alright when i get to work but then after awhile something ticks me off and pah the "alright mood" is long gone..................

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DATE: 01/29/2008 03:38:23 / MOOD: General

Well its Tuesday (night) and my drugs are nowhere to be found.

I was hoping to find them in my locker at work but nothing, I was so frustrated when i didnt find them there i slammed the locker so hard it nearly came out of its thingy. Thank God, nobody was there to give me the "have you gone mad" look.

I feel slightly better than i did 3 days ago, but i have got to see my doc tomorrow and tell her that my drugs have mysteriously disappeared! I dont even know her number so i cant make an appointment with her i guess i'll just turn up there and tell the person at the front desk that i need to see my doc and um its URGENT!

 

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DATE: 01/27/2008 02:23:39 / MOOD: Dont know

I'm feeling nothing! Absolutely numb all over. My brain aches sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I can't think. I want to cut something..something like my wrest. F-uck i cant find my drugs. I'm losing my sanity...well what was left of it anyway. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I have a bad feeling they might be at my locker at work. Just exactly how am i to survive until monday?

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DATE: 01/25/2008 06:20:28 / MOOD: General

F-uck! It's finally friday. What a long n tiring week this was. It was Rod's birthday today 25th of Jan, it's only been  ~2 months but i already miss him. I wanted to wish him " happy birthday" without him knowing who it was..and so i ended up using my sister's phone to text him. I texted him this..."happy birthday hunk, hope u had a great day. Love...and signed it off "Anonymous" he replied with "thnx spunky" i was sooooo tempted to text back...but i couldnt.  

 

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DATE: 01/21/2008 05:08:15 / MOOD: Dont know

It was a long day today, work was boring the first half, but got more hectic towards the end as usual. I have got this zit under my chin i want to squeeze it but i can't..damn that bloody kingsize choco.

I watched the third season of PB tonight, i missed the first half, couldnt get off work.  

R will call me tomorrow morning for interview tips, arrgh! Why can't R just google it instead or something..or better yet ask someone else. Well i hope R breaks a leg tomorrow.

I'm working every night this week again!..how fun! I can't ask J a day off because she really is desperate for staff and besides i promised i would work every night for two weeks...what was i thinking?  

PS: I'm starting to feel more relaxed around people, I hated being around people few weeks ago...i wanted to be alone all the time...but that's starting to change very slowly. And i think i may like it..(Smiles).  

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